Dream: Royal Gingers

This may be my weirdest dream yet.

I was upstairs in my grandma’s old house (a common location for my dreams), and a young prince Andrew was living there with his four ginger royal children.

He was bathing one of them, and I walked in and remarked “what a good daddy” he was, doing the bathing.

The other children were in the nursery with a nanny and I asked if any of the other children were going to have a bath. The nanny shrugged and nobody else responded.

I went back out into the hall and noticed that all the doors had books opened on top of them. They were religious books so I guessed they were my mum’s.

I went back into the bathroom but it had turned into a bedroom with two single beds, which prince Andrew had made up himself and got the young prince into his pyjamas.

He said one of the beds was for me and he had put two hot water bottles in for me!

The young prince didn’t really want to go to bed and so he messed about for a few minutes and we were talking, and Prince Andrew mentioned that their birth mother was a surrogate named Lee-Anne.

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I have no idea what to make of that!

P.s. I don’t think I knew who Prince Andrew was, I’m sure it wasn’t specificlly him, it was just a random prince name.

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Another Collection of Weird Dreams

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I had a dream where I was getting ready to make a speech to my (imaginary) company about going global and in the dream I was wearing an amazing skirt suit in rainbow pastel colours.

I’m sure there was more to it but that’s the bit I remember.

P. S. I think my ex-husband was there and I was discussing something with him before I went in to speak.

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I dreamt I was in a weird little church, where I opened a big box of merchandise. I took out a white pair of shoes which I put on and some little charms which I put in my bible.

The church leader tried to kiss me, and I got away from him. I told him I would pay for the merchandise later. Then I went out, looking for my husband and his car.

I walked all round town but couldn’t find him. While I was walking round, I kept on taking chewing gum out of my mouth, it seemed never ending.

I was carrying bags and bags full of stuff around with me.

Some people from the church offered me lifts but I didn’t trust any of them.

I got to one end of town and turned around and came back then other way until I sat down at a cafe.

Any clues?

Oh, a p.s. I just remembered – I had a mobile phone I was trying to call my husband but it was new and I couldn’t make it work. It wanted me to set up the background colours but wouldn’t let me call. Every time I tried something, it got more complicated.

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I dreamed that one of my shopping bags got away from me, it floated away and turned into balloons and ribbons!

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I dreamt we moved into a house like the one I grew up in, and I discovered a whole new extension on the side of the house. (This is quite a recurrent theme). Then I realised the back lawn needed mowing but there was only a manual mower.

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Some more from last night: being chased by bears and pigs through a shopping centre

And then

Falling down the stairs into a room filled with water, only escaping drowning by opening a window. There was a child with me in the water filled room. My mother was upstairs and didn’t believe a word of it.

Halfway through, my perspective changed from viewing myself sliding down the stairs into the water (at which point I thought, this isn’t real, it’s a film) to being the person in the water, and it then feeling very real.

Dreams: Scary Things and Questioning Identity

Just a very quick dreams post, I just want to get them written down.

Two nights ago I was anxious about going to a new and different meeting the next morning, where I didn’t know what to expect, so I’m sure the dream was driven by anxiety.

The only part I remember is getting into the back of a car driven by an old friend (with whom in real life I had previously been estranged but had renewed the friendship – at least as being connected on facebook is concerned – without any genuine discussion or reconciliation. I havent thought about that relationship for months so he certainly wasn’t in my conscious mind, but I presume that my dream brain picked him out for that reason.).

He drove along and parked up on the edge of a cliff, but the car did not stop and we rolled off the edge into the sea (which woke me up!).

Last night, after the meeting (which was a kind of introduction to interfaith spirituality) I had another odd dream where we kept changing houses, and in the dream I could not remember which one was our current home.

At one point we were changing the wallpaper in the living room of my childhood home, which I would have sworn I did with my husband but in fact it must have been my dad in the mid 70s.

I told my friend, with whom we were staying, about last night’s dream and she told me that, if you dream about houses, the house represents yourself and she suggested that the meaning of the second dream was that I am questioning my (religious) identity.

That wasn’t flying. That was falling with style

Looking at the meagre offering of posts so far this year, I realise that I really am astonishingly inconsistent (with everything really, but blogging in particular).

Apologies.

Apart from struggling with a permanently inadequate organisation system in my brain, I dip in and out of mild depression, get distracted far too easy by shiny things like Facebook.

I do have lots of projects on the go, plates spinning, ideas forming. I’m doing stuff. It’s just all happening in a haphazard, hot mess.

I shall attempt to Bullet Journal my way to clarity (resisting the temptation to buy a new A4 journal), and return with field reports and mission logs or something.

Is anybody reading? Are there topics I should be covering?

Are any of my readers people with ADHD, or Enneagram 7 personalities who have cracked it and manage to keep it all under control?

Do I sound like a looney?

Dream: Lost Girl

On Friday night I dreamt that I was on a train with my mother and my children including a baby who seemed to be about 6 months old. I don’t know the gender of the baby, and I can’t see details like what everybody was wearing, or what age my other children were.

We stopped at a station, and we saw my sister-in-law on a train going the other way (the logic of this doesn’t hold up in the real world of course – why were we going in different directions? how did her carriage exactly match up with where ours was, for example), and I made the baby wave to its aunt and she waved back.

Then the train started going again, and my mother took the baby (again, I can’t be sure of the reasons if there were any, or where they went, perhaps to the bathroom?) but my mother came back without the baby, with no memory of where she had left it, and of course drama and tears ensued. At the end of the dream, we were home (in my childhood home), and I was calling the police.

I woke up shaking with rage and fear and confusion.

So a number of things come to mind. My mother, in the real world, has dementia and of course I would never allow her to look after a child. Perhaps I might allow one of my older children to take care of her instead, but allowing her to take a baby would never happen.

 

I obviously know why I KEEP ON dreaming about babies and loss but what prompted this particular scenario? I wonder if, perhaps it is the sense in which I feel that I am actually losing my mother too?

The next day, I received word that the little girl we had been hoping to adopt from care was actually now going to go back to her mother (pending a court decision, I think), because firstly it had been determined that she was in fact un-adoptable (that is, that in the opinion of the social workers involved, any adoption would fail) because her trauma and damage was so great, and secondly because the mother had apparently sorted herself out, got a job and a flat, and the father was safely in prison.

I cannot put into words how crushingly disappointed I am, and how utterly wrong I believe this decision to be. However, it is what it is.

Even without mentioning names, it probably isn’t appropriate to go into any details about the case, but it really is just incredulous that this course of action is even a possibility on the table.

We obviously weren’t meant to have her, and I’m done now. I wish we had adopted ten or more years ago when my secondary infertility first started, but of course you don’t what’s coming, and we always hoped there would be another baby.

I hate that I am such a misery guts (and well, hopefully I hide it well enough that it doesn’t show elsewhere) and I hate the idea that my whole life seems to be so characterised by loss upon loss. But this is my ranting space, where I pour all my misery, so if you don’t like it, just scroll past. I write mostly for my own benefit, to get it all out, but maybe, hopefully it will help somebody too.

Just a quick reminder that I am a…

Just a quick reminder that I am a chaotic, klepto-blogger, who can’t refrain from creating new shit. If you’ve landed here from an #exvangelical post, you probably want my Mrs Chakotay blog:
http://chakotayhomestead.WordPress.com

Dream: Pink Beetle

I dreamt that I was watching a video in my room (I’m not sure where, it reminded me of the room we once had at my mother-in-law’s before we had children. Apparently the video was about fertility, and how to maximise your chances of pregnancy, so you can guess what’s weighing on my mind)

Then I noticed there was a fairly big beetle scurrying towards me on my floor, which looked black on its underside but then it flipped over and was like a ladybird (I know it doesn’t make sense that it was scurrying along on its back, it was a dream!), in fact I thought for a moment that it was a ladybird but instead of red it was pink with black dots, and it increased in size until it was the size of a side plate or a 45 rpm single record!

I ran in to the living room to tell my Dad, and he asked me if, by the way, I would like to take over his bureau (an old fashioned wooden desk with a pull-down leaf). I said I would love to, and he followed me in to my room to look at the beetle, but it had disappeared in amongst my papers and I couldn’t find it.

At the end of the dream, I was sorting out my papers into my Dad’s bureau. The pink beetle never turned up again, but the television suddenly started playing and I was embarrassed that my parents had a look at what I was watching.

Notes: I did once own a baby pink Beetle Volkswagen car, which I never drove for various reasons. But I gave it away because I was told it couldn’t be fixed, and the people that came for it actually fixed it on the drive and drove it away, so I was always very sad about giving it away. Does the pink beetle represent my car that I lost? Does the car that I lost represent my lost babies?

I often dream about my Dad, and I usually wake up sad, realising that he is gone. I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. I’m still angry with him for dying on purpose, and I miss him terribly.

I am embarrassed, because I am 47 now, 48 later this year, and yet I still desperately long for a baby. Why? I feel so stupid. Everyone I know my age was happy with the size of their family as far as I know, and accepted that that was that. Why can’t I? I have 3 teenagers and a 23 year old who is still not independent due to Aspergers. My middle child has Type 1 Diabetes. All of this seems like pretty good reasons not to have any more children even if it were possible. My brain knows that. Why can’t my heart get it? 😦

The other question is, why am I suddenly having so many weird and upsetting dreams? Well, I have had a pretty bad to the year health-wise, probably all related to food allergies and intolerances, I’m probably not being as careful as I could be, which could be a form of self-sabotage (although in my defence, it mostly hasn’t been my fault – our finances got so bad that we had to rely on food bank handouts, and honestly although I am super grateful for the kindness of strangers, all the tinned food made me super ill.)