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  • Mrs Chakotay 12:58 pm on January 17, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , suicide, , , , fertility   

    Dream: Pink Beetle 

    I dreamt that I was watching a video in my room (I’m not sure where, it reminded me of the room we once had at my mother-in-law’s before we had children. Apparently the video was about fertility, and how to maximise your chances of pregnancy, so you can guess what’s weighing on my mind)

    Then I noticed there was a fairly big beetle scurrying towards me on my floor, which looked black on its underside but then it flipped over and was like a ladybird (I know it doesn’t make sense that it was scurrying along on its back, it was a dream!), in fact I thought for a moment that it was a ladybird but instead of red it was pink with black dots, and it increased in size until it was the size of a side plate or a 45 rpm single record!

    I ran in to the living room to tell my Dad, and he asked me if, by the way, I would like to take over his bureau (an old fashioned wooden desk with a pull-down leaf). I said I would love to, and he followed me in to my room to look at the beetle, but it had disappeared in amongst my papers and I couldn’t find it.

    At the end of the dream, I was sorting out my papers into my Dad’s bureau. The pink beetle never turned up again, but the television suddenly started playing and I was embarrassed that my parents had a look at what I was watching.

    Notes: I did once own a baby pink Beetle Volkswagen car, which I never drove for various reasons. But I gave it away because I was told it couldn’t be fixed, and the people that came for it actually fixed it on the drive and drove it away, so I was always very sad about giving it away. Does the pink beetle represent my car that I lost? Does the car that I lost represent my lost babies?

    I often dream about my Dad, and I usually wake up sad, realising that he is gone. I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. I’m still angry with him for dying on purpose, and I miss him terribly.

    I am embarrassed, because I am 47 now, 48 later this year, and yet I still desperately long for a baby. Why? I feel so stupid. Everyone I know my age was happy with the size of their family as far as I know, and accepted that that was that. Why can’t I? I have 3 teenagers and a 23 year old who is still not independent due to Aspergers. My middle child has Type 1 Diabetes. All of this seems like pretty good reasons not to have any more children even if it were possible. My brain knows that. Why can’t my heart get it? 😦

    The other question is, why am I suddenly having so many weird and upsetting dreams? Well, I have had a pretty bad to the year health-wise, probably all related to food allergies and intolerances, I’m probably not being as careful as I could be, which could be a form of self-sabotage (although in my defence, it mostly hasn’t been my fault – our finances got so bad that we had to rely on food bank handouts, and honestly although I am super grateful for the kindness of strangers, all the tinned food made me super ill.)

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  • Mrs Chakotay 2:39 pm on January 14, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    Dream: Expansion 

    I dreamt that I was in somebody’s kitchen at a party. I didn’t recognise anybody there, but then a friend of mine arrived.

    I was surprised to realise that, in the dream, my friend (who in real life is around a decade older than me and post-menopausal) was heavily pregnant. She was wearing a deep wine coloured woolen winter coat which she kept on, because the back door was open (it wasn’t winter though), and then proceeded to smoke a cigarette. Nobody else seemed to notice, and I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t say anything about it to her, but I was pleased for her about the pregnancy so I gave her a big hug.

    There was a lady sitting at the kitchen table making a salad in a bowl, and she looked up at me and told me “The reason for your food allergies is food additives.” I was quite cross with her for saying that, because I thought it must be nonsense. There were other ladies in the kitchen, but since I did not recognise anybody, I decided to step outside into the garden.

    I was surprised to realise that the garden was familiar to me – it was somehow the garden of the house that I lived in as a teenager (although I did not recognise the kitchen in the house). But the garden had additional rooms all along the left hand side, that were full of people (men, women and children, none of whom I recognised) sitting at tables, laughing and talking and eating.

    I have a feeling that there was more to the dream, but it has disappeared from my memory now.

    What does it all mean? Most of my dreams feature different houses and homes I have previously lived in or known, many include babies and pregnancy. Perhaps it’s just all my worries mixed up together?

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 12:48 pm on October 23, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Dream Day Journal, , , LOA, , Morning Pages, , , ,   

    October Anniversaries 

    I’m feeling a bit out of sorts today. October is always a bit of a downer. Not only is it Baby Loss Awareness Month, but it is also the anniversary of my own personal loss – of my twins. Thankfully, the weather has not caught up with the seasons, so the bright sun and blue skies takes the edge off. It has been 8 years, so although the grief still comes in waves, they crash a little less often, and a little less powerfully. I’ve been waiting for the event to come up in my Facebook memories, but I may have hidden it. What is harder to hide, of course, is the anniversaries of my friends’ babies’ birthdays, reminding me that my twins ought to be coming up for 8 years old. It’s not just the baby you lose, it’s all their future lives you imagined and hoped for.

    I also received a reminder yesterday, telling me that this is my 8th anniversary of opening my WordPress account. I think that my original blog is now my very neglected Study Notes blog. I seem to remember that I was originally using it as a homeschool diary, but I shuffled the blogs around and the Homeschool diary is now at Ohana Home Educational.

    I wonder if it was a coincidence that I started a blog around the same time as my miscarriage? I don’t remember ever writing about it at the time. Instead, I wrote on Facebook until I was told I was “over-sharing”, at which point I took to Twitter and created what I perceived to be safer spaces there to rant and cry and let it all out. It helped. I remember the most helpful book I read at the time talked about letting grief out creatively. Perhaps writing was not what the book had in mind, but it was my default outlet, and I would recommend it.

    Today though, I don’t feel like doing much. I’m only really writing now because I want to get myself into the swing and habit of writing every day, for NaNoWriMo next month. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s worth reading. Most of my writing is mainly for my benefit – if anybody else enjoys it, or benefits from it in some way, that’s a bonus of course. But if you hate it, or just find it boring, it doesn’t matter. Just getting the practice in, and my feelings out, means it has served its purpose.

    I’m also getting into the habit of writing Morning Pages in the form of a “Dream Day Journal” – that is, I write every morning about my ideal dream day. It’s supposed to be some kind of powerful manifesting tool by Law of Attraction folks. I’m not sure I believe it, but again, it doesn’t matter. It’s just practice, and it’s quite fun so far.

    It can be dangerous to write thoughts and feelings on paper, so I do find that I censor myself. Most of my worst ranty, angry feelings are directed privately to my rant buddy. She’s good to have on my side.

    Where do you vent your feelings? Does writing help, or some other kind of creativity?

    Have there ever been times where social media didn’t feel a safe place to share?

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 1:12 pm on October 22, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: NaNoPrep, , Planning, Preptober, procrastination   

    NaNoWriMo: On Procrastination 

    I am a terrific procrastinator. I seem to be terribly good at it. I have written a couple of blog posts elsewhere already today, and I have even done most of my housework (which is usually what I’m procrastinating to avoid, ironically) – all to avoid the thing which I am finding the hardest, which is preparing for NaNoWriMo.

    I have previously been a complete pantser – somehow managing, by the sea of my pants, to pull 50,000 words out of a hat without any kind of planning or preparation. A feat I have managed, or nearly managed at least 5 times now! But that’s not really the way I way I want to do it. I have never gone back to my previous projects to look seriously into the business of editing, and I think that is one of the drawbacks of pantsing – you end up with a very disjointed, undisciplined piece of work. I have done anyway, I don’t know how this business works for other people.

    This year I am trying to graduate towards becoming more of a Plantser (a cross between a seat-of-the-Pants-er and a Planner) Perhaps if this all works out, I may have developed into a fully fledged planner by the time of next year’s NaNoWriMo.

    So far I have downloaded a bunch of worksheets, plot outlines, and I’m trying to use the personality profiling tools of MBTI and the Enneagram to create more believable characters. But, oh my goodness, somehow this feels like very hard work!

    How do you do it?

    Are you a Planner, a Pantser or a Plantser?

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 9:59 am on October 17, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: microblogging, , ,   

    Well, okay then! Today it works! In which case, I may well go ahead and do what I said I would do right at the inception of this blog, which is to post small updates regularly. Microblogging, even! (Who needs Twitter?!)

    My life is currently consisting of trying to keep up with housework (not my forte), and essentially procrastinating the rest of the time. If I can get myself together, I will do some NanoPrep next, before I have to go and pick up my kids from college.

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 9:55 am on October 17, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: ,   

    I said I wouldn’t be posting every day, but I did just want to try out this interface on the front page of the blog again to see if it works today. So, testing, testing 123!

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 10:03 am on October 16, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , ,   

    Writing Again? 

    Hello, I just thought I would write a quick update to say that, since my circumstances have changed again for the better, I plan to restart blogging and writing generally. I am also planning to write for NaNoWriMo as well though, so don’t expect daily posts or anything!

    As you can see, I have updated the theme to something streamlined, which I thought would tidy everything up (since I made the mistake of importing all my other blogs here, and then changed my mind because all the new pages messed it all up. I can fix it, but it would take a lot of work).

    However, the super streamlined interface on this theme does not appear to be working. If anybody has knowledge of this, please let me know – is it something I’m doing wrong, or is the theme outdated?

    So I’m currently using the original WP Admin interface, which I prefer, but I see that WordPress are advertising a new, new editor (is it a brand new one, or are they trying to push the new one they brought out a few years ago? I hate that one). If the new editor is good, please let me know! And let me know if I can try it and change my mind, since it appears that is my thing. Changing my mind.

    Am I mad to have so many different blogs? Can I possibly maintain them? I don’t know.

    Let me know if there are any topics you would like me to address.

    LLAP – Kathryn x

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 2:10 pm on March 4, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , ,   

    Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid 

    This is the first post I have managed to organise this year.

    I have started 17 separate blogs and websites just on WordPress, and I haven’t posted on any of them for months. I thought amalgamating them all here would help but I think it might possibly have made it all worse.

    It isn’t due to my life being horrendously empty and boring. It’s quite busy but in fact this is the problem – I have an irresistible impulse to create and start things, but I get overwhelmed really easily and end up doing nothing at all instead.

    It’s the same reason why I buy and keep multiple diaries and planners but end up not writing anything in any of them. I can’t even promise I won’t buy any additional ones.

    But after a lifetime of believing that I was just a little bit rubbish at everything, “lazy, crazy and stupid”, I finally got confirmation from two counselor/ therapists that in fact I have ADHD. My GP agreed, but she cannot make an official diagnosis.

    Sadly, I was told by the same people that “there is no NHS pathway in Cornwall for adults with ADHD” (and the same would appear to be true for Asperger’s, since my eldest has been struggling for over a year now to get the official NHS rubber stamp on that diagnosis.)

    What this means in practice is that we have no access to meds unless and until we are in a position financially to pursue a private diagnosis. Well I guess we will just have to start saving our pennies.

    In the meantime, it’s a case of muddling along in the mess, physical, mental and emotional, repeating to myself daily, hourly, “I’m not lazy, crazy or stupid, I have ADHD.”

     
    • Strawberryindigo 7:03 pm on March 9, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Totally understand, and hey you finished this one!! I have the same tendencies. I have so many started projects, especially writing ones. Every finished post is a victory. It seems I start on a subject and it unfolds exponentially, it is hard to keep up with my mind.

      Liked by 1 person

  • Mrs Chakotay 10:15 am on October 31, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: atheism, atheist, , , , ,   

    My Halloween Facebook “Coming out” as an ex-fundy, #exvangelical 

    I had not planned to “come out” like this but I think it is time.

    I grew up in a very strict evangelical version of Christianity, and later I spent 15 years in a form of Messianic Judaism which was very much in the same vein.

    In some ways fundamentalism is still my ‘comfort zone’, and I have certainly retained some aspects of those beliefs (hopefully the good parts) but I have been on a journey away from that type of thinking for many years.

    I am no longer fundamentalist.

    I am no longer evangelical.

    I am not totally sure I am even still Christian.

    I have moved from a 1 to between 3 and 6 in the Dawkins scale. I don’t usually mind or care what other people believe, providing they don’t push it on to others.

    If you can be cool with my movement away from what you believe, then I’m happy to remain friends. But if you feel prompted to warn me that I’m going to hell or anything akin to that, let’s do ourselves a favour and part company.

     
    • SR 2:33 am on November 2, 2017 Permalink | Reply

      I do so hope you find within yourself what you are searching for. I have read some of your post and I know it has been a struggle for you, due to many things.

      I understand what you mean about, “sending me to hell.” As a Catholic I am sent there many times, sometimes throughout one day. At times I can shrug it off and at other times, it hurts. I would never in my life say that to anyone.

      Of course I do so hope you do not turn from God. I understand fully what you are saying about “religion.” I always say, “There is no one any meaner, then a mean Christian.” I am sad to say, there are many of them running around today, and have been in the past.

      At times they can get my dander up also, then I am the one not so nice. I try my best not to be like that. I can usually maintain and constrain myself until they “send me to hell.” Again wishing you the best for yourself. God Bless, SR

      Liked by 1 person

  • Mrs Chakotay 10:40 am on September 26, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , rage, ,   

    PTSD 

    It’s a never ending nightmare
    A long dark tunnel
    A permanent panic attack
    Pain in my chest
    Never feeling safe
    Down the rabbit hole
    Into unreality
    I’m reaching out
    Trying to slow my fall
    Wondering what is real
    Hoping I will wake up
    Holding in my rage
    But discovering
    I turned it in on myself

     
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