I wrote my ‘Journey of Faith’ in 5 parts, and then almost immediately decided to remove them (I may post them back up – I do like to retain my ‘woman’s right to change her mind’).
But I realised that, in a sense, I was only sharing half the story, essentially the physical – which churches I was part of and how I had moved and how my basic beliefs changed over time. But really I think it was the height of arrogance to claim that my faith has ‘survived’ while another’s has not.
The other half, the underlying spirituality, has been and is an ongoing struggle.
Here’s the whole truth of it.
I have moved from fundamentalism to a grace-based understanding, but I am aware that my basic frame of reference is essentially quite Puritanical and it is something I constantly have to battle against. I can’t really have fun without feeling guilty.
I feel as though all my life I have been doing a dance, playing a game, with God as my distant partner, in which God hides just out of reach and out of sight for as long as I seek Him, and when I turn around and decide I have had enough and don’t have the will or energy to pursue Him anymore, He pursues me.
So even if I wanted not to be a believer anymore, God just won’t leave me alone! I can’t not believe. No amount of reason or logic would allow me to be an atheist.
I am a little bit fed up with it all to be quite honest. What exactly does God want of me?
I have been praying for life to get better, for my health to get better, for over ten years, but the answer always seems to be, “Here’s something to make it just a little bit worse.”
I want to help people, I want to do good, I’d like to be in a position where I can do those things. But in the condition I’m in, I’m no good to anyone.
I feel as though I have a permanently melancholy cloud over me. Maybe I’m just feeling particularly melancholy at the moment.