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Another Collection of Weird Dreams

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I had a dream where I was getting ready to make a speech to my (imaginary) company about going global and in the dream I was wearing an amazing skirt suit in rainbow pastel colours.

I’m sure there was more to it but that’s the bit I remember.

P. S. I think my ex-husband was there and I was discussing something with him before I went in to speak.

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I dreamt I was in a weird little church, where I opened a big box of merchandise. I took out a white pair of shoes which I put on and some little charms which I put in my bible.

The church leader tried to kiss me, and I got away from him. I told him I would pay for the merchandise later. Then I went out, looking for my husband and his car.

I walked all round town but couldn’t find him. While I was walking round, I kept on taking chewing gum out of my mouth, it seemed never ending.

I was carrying bags and bags full of stuff around with me.

Some people from the church offered me lifts but I didn’t trust any of them.

I got to one end of town and turned around and came back then other way until I sat down at a cafe.

Any clues?

Oh, a p.s. I just remembered – I had a mobile phone I was trying to call my husband but it was new and I couldn’t make it work. It wanted me to set up the background colours but wouldn’t let me call. Every time I tried something, it got more complicated.

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I dreamed that one of my shopping bags got away from me, it floated away and turned into balloons and ribbons!

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I dreamt we moved into a house like the one I grew up in, and I discovered a whole new extension on the side of the house. (This is quite a recurrent theme). Then I realised the back lawn needed mowing but there was only a manual mower.

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Some more from last night: being chased by bears and pigs through a shopping centre

And then

Falling down the stairs into a room filled with water, only escaping drowning by opening a window. There was a child with me in the water filled room. My mother was upstairs and didn’t believe a word of it.

Halfway through, my perspective changed from viewing myself sliding down the stairs into the water (at which point I thought, this isn’t real, it’s a film) to being the person in the water, and it then feeling very real.

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Dreams: Scary Things and Questioning Identity

Just a very quick dreams post, I just want to get them written down.

Two nights ago I was anxious about going to a new and different meeting the next morning, where I didn’t know what to expect, so I’m sure the dream was driven by anxiety.

The only part I remember is getting into the back of a car driven by an old friend (with whom in real life I had previously been estranged but had renewed the friendship – at least as being connected on facebook is concerned – without any genuine discussion or reconciliation. I havent thought about that relationship for months so he certainly wasn’t in my conscious mind, but I presume that my dream brain picked him out for that reason.).

He drove along and parked up on the edge of a cliff, but the car did not stop and we rolled off the edge into the sea (which woke me up!).

Last night, after the meeting (which was a kind of introduction to interfaith spirituality) I had another odd dream where we kept changing houses, and in the dream I could not remember which one was our current home.

At one point we were changing the wallpaper in the living room of my childhood home, which I would have sworn I did with my husband but in fact it must have been my dad in the mid 70s.

I told my friend, with whom we were staying, about last night’s dream and she told me that, if you dream about houses, the house represents yourself and she suggested that the meaning of the second dream was that I am questioning my (religious) identity.

Dream: Lost Girl

On Friday night I dreamt that I was on a train with my mother and my children including a baby who seemed to be about 6 months old. I don’t know the gender of the baby, and I can’t see details like what everybody was wearing, or what age my other children were.

We stopped at a station, and we saw my sister-in-law on a train going the other way (the logic of this doesn’t hold up in the real world of course – why were we going in different directions? how did her carriage exactly match up with where ours was, for example), and I made the baby wave to its aunt and she waved back.

Then the train started going again, and my mother took the baby (again, I can’t be sure of the reasons if there were any, or where they went, perhaps to the bathroom?) but my mother came back without the baby, with no memory of where she had left it, and of course drama and tears ensued. At the end of the dream, we were home (in my childhood home), and I was calling the police.

I woke up shaking with rage and fear and confusion.

So a number of things come to mind. My mother, in the real world, has dementia and of course I would never allow her to look after a child. Perhaps I might allow one of my older children to take care of her instead, but allowing her to take a baby would never happen.

 

I obviously know why I KEEP ON dreaming about babies and loss but what prompted this particular scenario? I wonder if, perhaps it is the sense in which I feel that I am actually losing my mother too?

The next day, I received word that the little girl we had been hoping to adopt from care was actually now going to go back to her mother (pending a court decision, I think), because firstly it had been determined that she was in fact un-adoptable (that is, that in the opinion of the social workers involved, any adoption would fail) because her trauma and damage was so great, and secondly because the mother had apparently sorted herself out, got a job and a flat, and the father was safely in prison.

I cannot put into words how crushingly disappointed I am, and how utterly wrong I believe this decision to be. However, it is what it is.

Even without mentioning names, it probably isn’t appropriate to go into any details about the case, but it really is just incredulous that this course of action is even a possibility on the table.

We obviously weren’t meant to have her, and I’m done now. I wish we had adopted ten or more years ago when my secondary infertility first started, but of course you don’t what’s coming, and we always hoped there would be another baby.

I hate that I am such a misery guts (and well, hopefully I hide it well enough that it doesn’t show elsewhere) and I hate the idea that my whole life seems to be so characterised by loss upon loss. But this is my ranting space, where I pour all my misery, so if you don’t like it, just scroll past. I write mostly for my own benefit, to get it all out, but maybe, hopefully it will help somebody too.

Dream: Pink Beetle

I dreamt that I was watching a video in my room (I’m not sure where, it reminded me of the room we once had at my mother-in-law’s before we had children. Apparently the video was about fertility, and how to maximise your chances of pregnancy, so you can guess what’s weighing on my mind)

Then I noticed there was a fairly big beetle scurrying towards me on my floor, which looked black on its underside but then it flipped over and was like a ladybird (I know it doesn’t make sense that it was scurrying along on its back, it was a dream!), in fact I thought for a moment that it was a ladybird but instead of red it was pink with black dots, and it increased in size until it was the size of a side plate or a 45 rpm single record!

I ran in to the living room to tell my Dad, and he asked me if, by the way, I would like to take over his bureau (an old fashioned wooden desk with a pull-down leaf). I said I would love to, and he followed me in to my room to look at the beetle, but it had disappeared in amongst my papers and I couldn’t find it.

At the end of the dream, I was sorting out my papers into my Dad’s bureau. The pink beetle never turned up again, but the television suddenly started playing and I was embarrassed that my parents had a look at what I was watching.

Notes: I did once own a baby pink Beetle Volkswagen car, which I never drove for various reasons. But I gave it away because I was told it couldn’t be fixed, and the people that came for it actually fixed it on the drive and drove it away, so I was always very sad about giving it away. Does the pink beetle represent my car that I lost? Does the car that I lost represent my lost babies?

I often dream about my Dad, and I usually wake up sad, realising that he is gone. I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. I’m still angry with him for dying on purpose, and I miss him terribly.

I am embarrassed, because I am 47 now, 48 later this year, and yet I still desperately long for a baby. Why? I feel so stupid. Everyone I know my age was happy with the size of their family as far as I know, and accepted that that was that. Why can’t I? I have 3 teenagers and a 23 year old who is still not independent due to Aspergers. My middle child has Type 1 Diabetes. All of this seems like pretty good reasons not to have any more children even if it were possible. My brain knows that. Why can’t my heart get it? 😦

The other question is, why am I suddenly having so many weird and upsetting dreams? Well, I have had a pretty bad to the year health-wise, probably all related to food allergies and intolerances, I’m probably not being as careful as I could be, which could be a form of self-sabotage (although in my defence, it mostly hasn’t been my fault – our finances got so bad that we had to rely on food bank handouts, and honestly although I am super grateful for the kindness of strangers, all the tinned food made me super ill.)

Dream: Expansion

I dreamt that I was in somebody’s kitchen at a party. I didn’t recognise anybody there, but then a friend of mine arrived.

I was surprised to realise that, in the dream, my friend (who in real life is around a decade older than me and post-menopausal) was heavily pregnant. She was wearing a deep wine coloured woolen winter coat which she kept on, because the back door was open (it wasn’t winter though), and then proceeded to smoke a cigarette. Nobody else seemed to notice, and I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t say anything about it to her, but I was pleased for her about the pregnancy so I gave her a big hug.

There was a lady sitting at the kitchen table making a salad in a bowl, and she looked up at me and told me “The reason for your food allergies is food additives.” I was quite cross with her for saying that, because I thought it must be nonsense. There were other ladies in the kitchen, but since I did not recognise anybody, I decided to step outside into the garden.

I was surprised to realise that the garden was familiar to me – it was somehow the garden of the house that I lived in as a teenager (although I did not recognise the kitchen in the house). But the garden had additional rooms all along the left hand side, that were full of people (men, women and children, none of whom I recognised) sitting at tables, laughing and talking and eating.

I have a feeling that there was more to the dream, but it has disappeared from my memory now.

What does it all mean? Most of my dreams feature different houses and homes I have previously lived in or known, many include babies and pregnancy. Perhaps it’s just all my worries mixed up together?

Dream Fury

I’m not really here, I’m really writing NaNoWriMo, but for some reason, my dreams at night are running rampant, so I thought I’d share them!

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I woke up so furious from a dream, I felt as though my blood were boiling. For some reason I was back in [that other place], and offering to do an arts and crafts workshop on pens! I packed all my various sets of pens and laid them out to show a certain person who once ran the children’s group despite her own child having grown up years ago (who shall remain nameless), and she vetoed the whole thing, and said it wasn’t ‘viable’. So I packed my pens angrily away into my holdall, saying “don’t worry, I was just thinking of doing it in somebody’s home, I’ll organise it myself.” But she started saying something along the lines of that being quite impossible (as though she controlled what went on in other people’s homes!) I packed even more angrily, and she accused me of stealing some cardboard or wooden crap of her own, which I hadn’t done, I just moved it out of my way, which I told her and said it was ridiculous, why on earth would I want to steal her rubbish? So then I stormed out (storm in a teacup, remember? Bitches!) and I stormed through the market, bumping into everybody. Everybody seemed to be wearing black, and I think I was wearing a big black cloak with a hood. I wonder what on earth prompted that, after so many years.

A second dream, I was somewhere up north, I don’t know what I was doing but have a feeling I was in a hospital for some reason. Husband was supposed to be coming to meet me but he kept sending messages saying he was delayed, so I decided to drive myself. Another girl persuaded me to take her with me, and she was supposed to be going to Nottingham, but she didn’t want to go home, so we decided to just abscond together, no idea where we were going. Strange, eh?

And there was another (I think these dreams are actually in reverse order). This one may well have been set in a hospital, it was definitely some kind of institutional building, and as usual, I was on the run, rushing through the building trying to escape and eventually I hid in somebody’s bed, but we were discovered, and we rolled off the bed on to the floor and both started running again.

That last one seems to be my typical dream format. I’m always on the run or being pursued, I have no idea why.

Perhaps I’m just crazy enough to be a writer?

Dreams of the Good Life

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I had a really good run of about 8-10 weeks of feeling much better physically at the beginning of this year. I can’t explain it – there seems to be no obvious correlation between my physical health and my state of mind, and no clear connection with my dietary habits or lifestyle. I wasn’t eating anything different than I was in the Autumn and up to Christmas when I was really ill (actually, I think it has been worse this year, as we haven’t been able to afford a good diet recently); and yet, I had a very welcome reprieve.

But now I have begun to notice the clear signs of relapse, and I don’t know what has caused that either. It is a challenge to slow down and take it easy (which is essentially the only thing you can do in response to an impending ME relapse) when you are already generally so inactive.

I have noticed my dreams becoming much more vivid and intense again – while I was feeling better, I didn’t seem to dream at all. (If I recall any worth mentioning, I will share).

I really desperately want to turn my life around, get well, get fit, get slim and healthy, reach my potential, start working again. I have lost more than a decade to ME, and I don’t want to lose any more. I really do not want this.

I can’t help thinking about positive thinking and the ‘law of attraction’ again. You’ll know that it irritates me no end, and I have written about it a couple of times. And yet, and yet. I keep coming back to the whole idea.

Am I attracting bad luck? Am I somehow causing my ill health? Am I mis-using the ‘power of words’ and bringing negativity into my life? And by the same token, is it possible to change things around? Stem the tide of bad luck? Attract light and life and all good and happy and lovely things instead?

Or is it just a matter of frame of mind?

I find myself dreaming (in the sense of fantasising, not actual sleeping dreams) of a better life – a life where I am healthy and active, and working hard, and able to make a better life for us all round (actually, you probably already know that my fantasy is having a country farm, working on the land, and practising increasing self sufficiency – the ‘Good Life’).

Tom and Barbara in their garden, The Good Life, BBC TV

Tom and Barbara in their garden, The Good Life, BBC TV

One of the ‘positive thinking’ gurus on twitter suggests that the way to invite what you want into your life is to behave as though you already have it.

Well, I can’t physically pretend I’m well, or go digging the land, but I think I can practice the happiness that I imagine I would have if I had that life, choose joy, pretend that I am already there.

Make believe.

Will it make the real thing come a step closer? Will it invite happiness into my life? I have no idea. But it seems considerably preferable to concentrating on how terrible reality is.