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  • Mrs Chakotay 1:08 pm on February 4, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , baby, dream,   

    Dream: Lost Girl 

    On Friday night I dreamt that I was on a train with my mother and my children including a baby who seemed to be about 6 months old. I don’t know the gender of the baby, and I can’t see details like what everybody was wearing, or what age my other children were.

    We stopped at a station, and we saw my sister-in-law on a train going the other way (the logic of this doesn’t hold up in the real world of course – why were we going in different directions? how did her carriage exactly match up with where ours was, for example), and I made the baby wave to its aunt and she waved back.

    Then the train started going again, and my mother took the baby (again, I can’t be sure of the reasons if there were any, or where they went, perhaps to the bathroom?) but my mother came back without the baby, with no memory of where she had left it, and of course drama and tears ensued. At the end of the dream, we were home (in my childhood home), and I was calling the police.

    I woke up shaking with rage and fear and confusion.

    So a number of things come to mind. My mother, in the real world, has dementia and of course I would never allow her to look after a child. Perhaps I might allow one of my older children to take care of her instead, but allowing her to take a baby would never happen.

     

    I obviously know why I KEEP ON dreaming about babies and loss but what prompted this particular scenario? I wonder if, perhaps it is the sense in which I feel that I am actually losing my mother too?

    The next day, I received word that the little girl we had been hoping to adopt from care was actually now going to go back to her mother (pending a court decision, I think), because firstly it had been determined that she was in fact un-adoptable (that is, that in the opinion of the social workers involved, any adoption would fail) because her trauma and damage was so great, and secondly because the mother had apparently sorted herself out, got a job and a flat, and the father was safely in prison.

    I cannot put into words how crushingly disappointed I am, and how utterly wrong I believe this decision to be. However, it is what it is.

    Even without mentioning names, it probably isn’t appropriate to go into any details about the case, but it really is just incredulous that this course of action is even a possibility on the table.

    We obviously weren’t meant to have her, and I’m done now. I wish we had adopted ten or more years ago when my secondary infertility first started, but of course you don’t what’s coming, and we always hoped there would be another baby.

    I hate that I am such a misery guts (and well, hopefully I hide it well enough that it doesn’t show elsewhere) and I hate the idea that my whole life seems to be so characterised by loss upon loss. But this is my ranting space, where I pour all my misery, so if you don’t like it, just scroll past. I write mostly for my own benefit, to get it all out, but maybe, hopefully it will help somebody too.

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  • Mrs Chakotay 3:45 pm on July 2, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: baby, , , , , , ,   

    Surprise Pregnancy  

    Well this is truly a big surprise!

    After my youngest son Kim was born 13 years ago, I had a run of miscarriages including twins at 14 weeks and since then, 5 years of secondary infertility. I had assumed that I was not far away from menopause.

    I wasn’t expecting to be a mom again. I really thought it was too late, that it was outside the realm of possibility.

    But here we are!

    Chakotay has told me that I mustn’t get my hopes up, and although I’m thrilled (and slightly terrified!) I dare not get excited.

    So what has happened to suddenly increase my fertility so late in life? Two things have changed – 1) I gave up dairy and eggs in addition to meat, so I’m now eating a plant-based, vegan diet. And 2) My doctor put me on Metformin to help me lose weight. I haven’t actually lost any weight sadly but it may have corrected my hormonal imbalance just enough.

    I know it’s too early to start thinking about names – there may not be a baby after all, it’s just too soon to know if this will be a successful pregnancy. But favourites in the Chakotay household so far are: Jean-Luc or Luke for a boy and Annika (as in Hanson – Seven’s human name) for a girl. I’m not sure though I might have to veto that one!

    Wish me luck?

     
    • Valerie 6:55 pm on July 2, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Congratulations!! ❤
      I'm so sorry for your losses. ((hugs)) Here's to a healthy and happy 9 (10) months! 😉

      Like

    • The Smiling Pilgrim 9:12 pm on July 2, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Congrats!!!!

      Like

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