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  • Sharon Tootill 2:48 pm on January 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Bi-polar, brain injury, hypersexuality, , , ,   

    Disturbing Dreams 

    Warning for possibly inappropriate content, depending on your sensibilities…

    I had two dreams last night, both of which included disturbing content, but on reflection I think I will share them anyway.

    In the first dream, I was visiting with a family that I knew in childhood. There were three boys, all much older than me, I’m guessing the oldest was at least 15 years older than me. But I was on the verge of teenage and ‘fancied’ them all. «Blush»!

    The dad was a bit of a tyrant, did a lot of shouting and thought he was right about everything, and he was telling us the very strict itinerary for our days out on this holiday, and then he sent us all to bed, and everybody had to be immediately silent.

    The next day, we boarded a coach, and I sat at the back with the eldest of the boys… and secretly had sex on the seat at the back of the bus while his dad sat at the front and thought everything was under control.

    «Blush»

    In the second dream, I found that my period had started, and I was stranded without a pad or even panties, but bizarrely I had a towel, so stuffed that between my legs and started walking to find somewhere to stay.

    I came across a commune where I was invited to come in and stay, but I had to sign some paperwork which I signed without reading.

    Inside, I was looking for a room, knocking on doors, climbing flights of stairs, walking down corridors, but I couldn’t find anywhere.

    And then there was a crash, and apparently some dangerous people had broken in – nobody knew whether they had guns or what – and somebody opened a hatch and invited me to hide there with them…. I still hadn’t sorted out my problem, but we had sex anyway.

    «Blush»

    So… A couple of things here. I’m much more attracted to my childhood friend than I realised? No! (Hope he’s not reading as I think it would be easy to identify himself! Lol!)

    Firstly, the period thing – as a miscarriage/ babyloss survivor who still wants babies, every monthly period feels like another loss, and given my age and my state of health, it’s really very unlikely I would have any more babies. I can give mental assent to that, but emotionally I haven’t accepted it at all and to be honest I don’t know how to ‘move on’.

    Secondly, the sex. Well, you know, I like sex as much as the next girl. But sometimes I feel a little bit obsessed and insatiable, and I suspect that it’s not just having a big sex-drive, but rather that it’s a symptom of neurological disorder which makes me wonder if hypersexuality commonly occurs with ME (or MS even?). I know that it can be a feature of Bi-polar disorder, which I have previously mentioned (as I said, I don’t think I have anything like full-blown Bi-polar, but it’s in the family and I suspect I have Bi-polar tendencies). But it can also occur as a result of brain trauma or injurt, or as a result of degenerative neurological disease.

    How do you know if your sex-drive is ‘normal’? Apparently the American psychiatric establishment won’t classify hypersexuality as a disorder because that would be prejudiced against people who enjoy sexuality outside the norm. But surely if it becomes problematic, that’s enough to say it is disordered.

    What about hypo-sexuality? At what point does low sex drive become an issue? (Perhaps if you’re married to somebody with hypersexuality?)

    And, as a society, can we still not talk about this without getting silly, or attracting loonies? Really hoping that I don’t get spam comments now, but anyway. There it is.

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  • Sharon Tootill 5:04 am on December 27, 2015 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: adrenal fatigue, , Bi-polar, , , , , , pwME,   

    Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas 

    The fact that I am up (still up) at 4:25 am, playing with my blog and updating my Goodreads/ Shelfari/ LibraryThing accounts worries me somewhat. Yes, I’m tired, but I’m also so horribly buzzy that I know there is very little point in me going to lie down, because I would not be likely to sleep. In fact, sleep has been elusive for some time.

    Adrenal rushes have always been part of my illness. During my succession of dreadful GPs I have been told that a) I was imagining them, b) that my adrenaline and cortisol appears normal and c) I must have an anxiety disorder. Well pah. I lost faith in the NHS a long time ago. I know that I have anxiety issues, but to be fair they didn’t start until after I became ill.

    Adrenal fatigue/ dysfunction is a known symptom of ME as part of the overall autonomic nervous system dysfunction, but since the NHS are ill-equipped to correctly test for or treat such things, their default position is to insult us. Enough of that. When I can afford to, I will be getting some properly reliable tests done privately. What I will do after that is anyone’s guess. I’m not likely to ever be able to afford private care beyond the testing, so once I actually know what I am really dealing with, I will investigate affordable alternatives.

    Anyway. What I wanted to mention is that this period of insomnia and frenetic activity is somewhat reminiscent of a Bi-polar high, or the ‘manic’ part of what used to be called Manic Depression. I do have Bi-polar tendencies, I am aware of this. My mother has Bi-polar Disorder, and although I don’t believe for a moment that I have Bi-polar myself, I do think I am slightly genetically vulnerable to changes in brain chemistry. I have had these occasional, mild highs before. Primarily, I have had them when taking a new medication – when I was on Amlopodine for high blood pressure, I experienced horrible racing thoughts and really unpleasant ‘mixed states’ – a feeling of intense depression and mania at the same time. The other thing that threw me for a total loop was St. John’s Wort, which I took for post-natal depression many years ago.

    Thankfully I am not experiencing any of that this time. But I do feel very, very slightly ‘high’. And although there is a very crucial campaign by people with ME to ensure that the illness is not confused with mental illness (which I totally support, as I am quite, quite sure that the depression that comes with ME is not a cause or an explanation but rather a co-morbid result of suffering chronically and being treated so appallingly badly by the NHS, the media and society in general), this ‘high’ does strengthen my conviction that my particular illness has dysfunctional thyroid as an integral component, since hypo- and hyper- thyroid states can affect the brain, and in fact it is not unknown for people with dysfunctional thyroid (especially Hashimoto’s Thyroditis, which can swing from high to low) to be mis-diagnosed with Bipolar.

    Yes, you have probably guessed it, I have been taking a supplement designed to help the Thyroid for the last week or so. I strongly suspect a causal link. Again, when I can afford to, I will be getting a complete thyroid panel done privately. But I’m feeling good (even allowing for the possible ‘mania’) about the feeling that I might be on the right track.

    As you may have seen me mention, I posted in a very dark moment that if I didn’t get well in 2016, I would throw in the towel. I’m sure I wouldn’t. But I have a good feeling that 2016 might be the year for me. If I can get well – even by a small margin – my quality of life would improve beyond all recognition; I would be able to get out, clean my house, oh I don’t know – perhaps begin to make friends and build that ‘social network’ that 2015’s horoscope promised so faithlessly.

    This is what I would like for 2016: glowing health, all our financial difficulties are over, find a better house, success in every area, and everything I touch turns to gold. Blessed beyond all imagining. “A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.” Yep. That’s what I’m looking for ideally.

    And if it doesn’t happen quite like I want it to, I will try to find joy in all things, beauty and treasure in the darkness.

    See? This is my happy place now.

     
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