Tag Archive | dreams

Dream: Pink Beetle

I dreamt that I was watching a video in my room (I’m not sure where, it reminded me of the room we once had at my mother-in-law’s before we had children. Apparently the video was about fertility, and how to maximise your chances of pregnancy, so you can guess what’s weighing on my mind)

Then I noticed there was a fairly big beetle scurrying towards me on my floor, which looked black on its underside but then it flipped over and was like a ladybird (I know it doesn’t make sense that it was scurrying along on its back, it was a dream!), in fact I thought for a moment that it was a ladybird but instead of red it was pink with black dots, and it increased in size until it was the size of a side plate or a 45 rpm single record!

I ran in to the living room to tell my Dad, and he asked me if, by the way, I would like to take over his bureau (an old fashioned wooden desk with a pull-down leaf). I said I would love to, and he followed me in to my room to look at the beetle, but it had disappeared in amongst my papers and I couldn’t find it.

At the end of the dream, I was sorting out my papers into my Dad’s bureau. The pink beetle never turned up again, but the television suddenly started playing and I was embarrassed that my parents had a look at what I was watching.

Notes: I did once own a baby pink Beetle Volkswagen car, which I never drove for various reasons. But I gave it away because I was told it couldn’t be fixed, and the people that came for it actually fixed it on the drive and drove it away, so I was always very sad about giving it away. Does the pink beetle represent my car that I lost? Does the car that I lost represent my lost babies?

I often dream about my Dad, and I usually wake up sad, realising that he is gone. I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. I’m still angry with him for dying on purpose, and I miss him terribly.

I am embarrassed, because I am 47 now, 48 later this year, and yet I still desperately long for a baby. Why? I feel so stupid. Everyone I know my age was happy with the size of their family as far as I know, and accepted that that was that. Why can’t I? I have 3 teenagers and a 23 year old who is still not independent due to Aspergers. My middle child has Type 1 Diabetes. All of this seems like pretty good reasons not to have any more children even if it were possible. My brain knows that. Why can’t my heart get it? 😦

The other question is, why am I suddenly having so many weird and upsetting dreams? Well, I have had a pretty bad to the year health-wise, probably all related to food allergies and intolerances, I’m probably not being as careful as I could be, which could be a form of self-sabotage (although in my defence, it mostly hasn’t been my fault – our finances got so bad that we had to rely on food bank handouts, and honestly although I am super grateful for the kindness of strangers, all the tinned food made me super ill.)


Dream: Expansion

I dreamt that I was in somebody’s kitchen at a party. I didn’t recognise anybody there, but then a friend of mine arrived.

I was surprised to realise that, in the dream, my friend (who in real life is around a decade older than me and post-menopausal) was heavily pregnant. She was wearing a deep wine coloured woolen winter coat which she kept on, because the back door was open (it wasn’t winter though), and then proceeded to smoke a cigarette. Nobody else seemed to notice, and I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t say anything about it to her, but I was pleased for her about the pregnancy so I gave her a big hug.

There was a lady sitting at the kitchen table making a salad in a bowl, and she looked up at me and told me “The reason for your food allergies is food additives.” I was quite cross with her for saying that, because I thought it must be nonsense. There were other ladies in the kitchen, but since I did not recognise anybody, I decided to step outside into the garden.

I was surprised to realise that the garden was familiar to me – it was somehow the garden of the house that I lived in as a teenager (although I did not recognise the kitchen in the house). But the garden had additional rooms all along the left hand side, that were full of people (men, women and children, none of whom I recognised) sitting at tables, laughing and talking and eating.

I have a feeling that there was more to the dream, but it has disappeared from my memory now.

What does it all mean? Most of my dreams feature different houses and homes I have previously lived in or known, many include babies and pregnancy. Perhaps it’s just all my worries mixed up together?

Dream Fury

I’m not really here, I’m really writing NaNoWriMo, but for some reason, my dreams at night are running rampant, so I thought I’d share them!


I woke up so furious from a dream, I felt as though my blood were boiling. For some reason I was back in [that other place], and offering to do an arts and crafts workshop on pens! I packed all my various sets of pens and laid them out to show a certain person who once ran the children’s group despite her own child having grown up years ago (who shall remain nameless), and she vetoed the whole thing, and said it wasn’t ‘viable’. So I packed my pens angrily away into my holdall, saying “don’t worry, I was just thinking of doing it in somebody’s home, I’ll organise it myself.” But she started saying something along the lines of that being quite impossible (as though she controlled what went on in other people’s homes!) I packed even more angrily, and she accused me of stealing some cardboard or wooden crap of her own, which I hadn’t done, I just moved it out of my way, which I told her and said it was ridiculous, why on earth would I want to steal her rubbish? So then I stormed out (storm in a teacup, remember? Bitches!) and I stormed through the market, bumping into everybody. Everybody seemed to be wearing black, and I think I was wearing a big black cloak with a hood. I wonder what on earth prompted that, after so many years.

A second dream, I was somewhere up north, I don’t know what I was doing but have a feeling I was in a hospital for some reason. Husband was supposed to be coming to meet me but he kept sending messages saying he was delayed, so I decided to drive myself. Another girl persuaded me to take her with me, and she was supposed to be going to Nottingham, but she didn’t want to go home, so we decided to just abscond together, no idea where we were going. Strange, eh?

And there was another (I think these dreams are actually in reverse order). This one may well have been set in a hospital, it was definitely some kind of institutional building, and as usual, I was on the run, rushing through the building trying to escape and eventually I hid in somebody’s bed, but we were discovered, and we rolled off the bed on to the floor and both started running again.

That last one seems to be my typical dream format. I’m always on the run or being pursued, I have no idea why.

Perhaps I’m just crazy enough to be a writer?

If Wishes Were Horses…

wishes horses ds9

“Station residents suddenly find their imaginations are manifested in physical form; a spatial rift threatens to destroy the Bajoran system.”

I’m really quite ashamed that this post has taken me, what, 4 months to publish?! I don’t know why, but every time I looked at it, I felt stumped, and I procrastinated (along with the million other tasks I needed to do and put off until the last moment).

This is a really crazy and random episode where some undetermined and unnamed aliens conduct an experiment on the station’s crew and residents by allowing their imagination to run riot and we learn something about each character’s wishes, hopes and fears. Sisko conjures up one of his baseball heroes, Quark imagines beautiful girls that desire him, Julian creates an alternate Jadzia who is submissive and fawns all over him, (the real Jadzia is less than impressed) Jadzia herself worries that there might be a spatial rift causing the bizarre manifestations, and that worry turns into an anomaly that really does appear to threaten the station. The Chief calls a Rumplestiltskin into being who threatens to take his daughter away. Odo can’t imagine anything, but somebody thought of it snowing on the promenade, and lo – it snows. It’s just one of those random individual episodes that is never followed up, but put in there presumably for the purpose of character development.

Real Life
Yes, this is where the problem is, I think – how to apply this whole weird episode to real life, what to make of the metaphors. My brain has just been drawing a complete blank. Perhaps due to the fact that the characters conjured up by the DS9 crew don’t make any sense to me – they’re not the things or people I think I would call into being from my imagination. (Although I did like the snow on the Promenade).

The ability to determine reality from fantasy is, I suppose, crucial to living a mentally stable life – fantasy certainly has its place, but we can’t let it take over because physical reality will suffer.

Without going into embarassing details, most of my fantasies are not the kind of things I would even want to stray into the realm of reality. But there is a spectrum that runs between fantasy, dreams, wishes and plans that we would like to bring to fruition in the real world.

What happens if we spend all our time and energy thinking and fantasising about the kind of things that really ought to stay at the fantasy end of the spectrum – does all that ’emotional energy’ (think ‘Cheeseman’s law’)* actually have any power to bring about manifestations of our desires, as proponents of the ‘Law of Attraction’/ ‘The Secret’ would argue? I don’t think I have seen any evidence of it in my life. But perhaps I’m not looking hard enough? Do good things happen because we ‘love’ them into being, bad things because we fear them?

Answers on a postcard please.

Station Plans

I’m actually about to move offices on the station in the next week or two, so expect my time will be occupied by packing and sorting and organising for a bit. But I haven’t forgotten this blog and do have plans to come back and do some more posting very soon. Watch this space, as they say.


* Cheeseman’s, for those unfamiliar with it, is the postulation put forward by the temporal scientist of the same name, that emotional energy has the power to alter events in time that would otherwise seem to be fixed and unchangeable. (From one of my absolute all-time favourite films, starring Vincent D’Onofrio and Marisa Tomei – ‘Happy Accidents’. If you haven’t seen it already, go out and find it on DVD or Netflix or something. Romance, time travel, comedy, what more could you ask?)

Crazy Sci-fi Dream

A crazy dream this time!

In the dream, I seemed to be walking carrying a clipboard along a city street through a market with stalls, behind which the people selling had parked their caravans. Every now and then, I would pop inside one of the caravans and ask if everyone was alright.

Finally, I came to a caravan and when I asked if everyone was alright, one of the women was alarmed because – she said – people were disappearing, and she didn’t know where her husband was. She gave me her phone and asked me to wait for a call about a birthday party and tell the caller that she would be there, and then she went off looking for her husband.

Somebody else came in with diving goggles, saying that the last time he’d been seen, he had been wearing these (I didn’t question this!!). I said, they are probably infected and now you have brought it back here to us, we are probably infected too.

Then the call came, and the caller projected himself out of the phone holographically. I told him that the woman said she would be at the party, but I thought that it wasn’t a good idea as it looked as though they were infected with the new plague. He immediately jumped back into the phone and disappeared. As he did so, the phone fizzed and crackled luminous green.

The new person (can’t recall if male or female) pointed at me and said, look! You’re infected. I looked in the mirror and could see a kind of luminous green worm thing in my hair, but when I tried to get hold of it to remove it, my fingers missed it, as though it was not in the same time frame as the rest of us. (That is the obvious conclusion, right?)

Next, I was suited up in a plastic yellow suit, boots and hood, walking through the sewers with some other scientists and testing everywhere for the infection with a little yellow scanner. I said that the only place that is immune is under the water line of the sewage. Everything above that is infected. So the only way we can counteract it is to go under….

…..Ugh! But then the phone rang and woke me up, so I can’t tell if the plague of luminous green time worms is beaten by covering everything in sewage. O_O

I guess we will never know!

Strange Dream Report: Letting Myself In…

I know I have been having lots of weird and wonderful dreams, but somehow they have just been disappearing on me and I have forgotten them as soon as I get up.

But this time I remembered one, so here it is.

I was with my kids in a place I didn’t recognise, and we let ourselves in a door to find what looked like a high quality holiday apartment with lots of double beds, so it was obviously designed for a lot of people, but apparently a bunch of unrelated people were living there, as each open-plan room looked differently decorated.

The beds were made but otherwise some of the rooms were quite untidy, with clothes and scraps of bedlinen on the floor. It seemed that somebody had ordered material and made their own duvet cover, but not finished the job.

I expressed my disgust that people living in such a nice place would leave it so untidy. So we moved next door to what appeared to be our own apartment. That was also untidy, but it wasn’t a luxury apartment, it was quite plain.

Then we went out walking, to go and meet my mum. We appeared to be in a town that was a strange mixture of the seaside and Milton Keynes, with several of the ‘grid squares’ being completely filled with water like man-made lakes, with boats and ships anchored there. (Actually, come to think about it, it reminds me of Stockholm as well.)

I remarked that I would love to stop and investigate one of the water grid-squares some time.

As we walked, I was worried about walking so far and making myself ill, and at the same time I became more and more desperate to go to the toilet, and so we stopped off again and let ourselves into another apartment. We looked around and realised it was very tiny, and downstairs there was just one room – an open plan living room/ kitchen with a shower cubicle and an upstairs.

I went upstairs to find the toilet, and when I opened the door, the first thing I noticed was that the floor was untidy, with shoes strewn about, and then I realised there was a man asleep there, with a little boy beside him. He woke up and asked me what I was doing there.

I explained that we let ourselves in, and that we needed the toilet. And then he did a very strange thing. He said, “I’m just going to go to the forest, I need to get something”, and he left the little boy with me!

I looked around and realised that my kids were a lot younger than they are now in real life,with the eldest perhaps the age that my youngest is now, and the little boy was about three. I realised that I couldn’t possibly leave the boy alone so we would have to wait until his father got back.

So we settled down to do some drawing with paper and crayons with the little boy, and waited.

(And then I woke up because I really did need the toilet!)

I find it very strange that I dreamt again about letting myself into somebody else’s home! What is that about?! Is it just nosiness, or jealousy, or dissatisfaction with our current living arrangements?

It’s also the second dream that featured somebody wanting to leave an unknown child with me.

I quite liked the place though and I want to go there!

What do you make of it?

Star Trek Mysteries


OK, OK, I know I said that I would be posting my Star Trek posts over on The Bajoran Exile, but I had a dream! My first Star Trek TOS dream!

In my dream, the filming of Star trek, the original series, was being used as a cover for a jewel theft, in which Gene Roddenberry was the victim.

The thieves found that the jewels were no ordinary jewels, however, but granted the bearer invisibility and so the jewels themselves were being used to cover up a series of other jewel thefts and of murders!

It was all very stylish, with everybody wearing classic 1960s costumes.

There was a theft and murder at a country house, followed by another foiled attempt in which the thieves (who were part of the TOS crew – possibly red shirts) attempted to go back to Roddenberry’s house to see what else they could steal but they were apprehended.

Rather than call the police or bring them to justice, the lady of the house – Majel Barrett – persuaded the thieves to give up the invisibility jewels to her! (She had smacked them over the head with a frying pan in the dark, so had not realised they were invisible until afterwards!)

After this point, the thefts were to be carried out under Majel’s direction. What she didn’t realise though is that the jewels were cursed, and everybody who had anything to do with them were bound to come to no good. The thieves themselves were found dead before any more thefts could be arranged.

And then so finally, a plan was hatched between the members of the cast to safely dispose of the jewels, which involved a relay of people across a body of water (surreptitiously delivering one invisible member at a time) but, in the end, William Shatner decided (having charmed the jewels out from under Majel while Gene was away) that it was his responsibility to take the invisibility jewels out of harm’s way, and THIS was why Star Trek’s Five Year Mission was cancelled too soon.


I think the analysis for this is simple – too much television over the holidays – a mixture of Warehouse 13, Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries and Star Trek, obviously. I’m supposed to be writing crime/ murder mystery for Jano2016, but I don’t know, what do you think, is there a book in it?! 🙂