Tag Archive | dreams

Dream: Mr Rudd

Hello again! It has been a while!

I had the most peculiar dream last night.

I dreamt that I was with my ex-husband, planning to visit a friend for an overnight visit.

On the way across London we stopped at a church that was holding a midweek, midday service and it was full to bursting. We didn’t stay, and carried on our journey.

My ex was apparently carrying a tiny kitten and tiny puppy with him and kept getting them out to amuse other passangers. (He was a very gregarious character but I found it annoying, although I did not question in the dream why I was travelling with him).

We arrived at my friend’s. She was a Quiverfull Christian mother with many (10?) children running around doing various activities.

The house appeared to have painted orange walls which gave it an odd atmosphere.

As night fell I remembered that although there was a separate toilet which did thankfully work, their bathroom was out of order.

The next morning I met my friend’s husband (played, in this dream film by Paul Rudd!*) and we chatted amiably about all things Christian, and I explained how my beliefs had changed, but then he came on to me and when I said no, he assaulted me!

So I left the house immediately without saying anything to my friend and headed for the train station.

My ex found me waiting there and I explained what had happened. He left but I don’t know where he went after that.

Then the husband (Paul Rudd) arrived and threatened to pursue me if I told anybody. I promised I did not want to hurt my friend but I thought he was despicable and asked him to go away and leave me alone.

When I got home my husband was just getting off the phone and had apparently been talking to the Paul Rudd character and had offered that their whole family could pitch their tent in our garden over the summer with access to our bathroom while theirs was out of order.

I looked out the window and saw there was already a big orange tent set up in the garden!

I woke up in a panic!

*in real life I like him but can’t imagine why my brain cast him in this role! This was the most creepy and threatening pic I could find of him!

When the Bough Breaks

The children from the Starship Enterprise, led by Wesley Crusher

Star Trek TNG – When the Bough Breaks

I dreamt last night that I was trying to rescue a little girl who had been kidnapped from her captors who had her in a van, and the kidnappers had taken her because they ran a Borg Circus, and needed a new attraction! I was with two other people but they didn’t seem to be much help, and although I caught up with them, I woke up before the story was resolved.

I haven’t watched Picard for a couple of weeks since they did the dirty and brutally tortured and killed a favourite character from Voyager, Icheb (possibly because the original actor has fallen out if favour with Hollywood), so I don’t know whether this dream was inspired by Picard or whether the little girl we had planned to adopt had crept back into my mind.

Certainly i had not thought about her consciously in a while, but I guess the disappointment of infertility and loss is never far from my thoughts.

This episode of Star Trek the Next Generation is the story of a race if people who are experiencing planet-wide infertility, and they kidnap all the children from the Starship Enterprise in order to have a new generation so their culture won’t die.

Eventually it is discovered that there is an easily fixable technological reason for the infertility and so the people agree to return all the children to their parents on the Enterprise.

I’m very aware that I am coming towards the end of my period of fertility, and my progress towards health has very much plateau-ed before actually becoming healthy, so I will have to accept that I will probably never get my rainbow baby.

But I can’t accept that my story has ended without ever being resolved.

Changing Guard

I am aware that I dream a lot. I think it’s due to having very disturbed, light sleep caused by my various health issues. Normally they come and go as dreams do but I know that I have a number of running themes from the dreams I actually remember.

One of those themes is moving house. Almost every dream I remember takes place in a new location. Whether this is due to having had a great number of real life moves (7 in 5 years until we moved here 3 years ago) or whether it is to do with feeling unsettled (or should that be unhappily settled?) Or for some other reason, I don’t know.

Last night’s dream involved having just moved to a much smaller house in a block. So small that instead of ordinary opening doors, all the rooms had sliding doors because the passages were so narrow.

All of us seemed to be crowded into one bedroom with built-in wooden beds, all painted white, but we seemed to have no stuff, as though we had brought none of our possessions with us.

I remember looking out of the window and regretting no longer having a garden or a garage.

The bedroom had two sliding door options – one with glass panels you could see through, and another of white painted wood.

As we were settling down to sleep, we heard a terrific clatter of marching feet on the stairs, and we looked out to see the Queen’s Guard trooping up the stairs past our room to the next level.

Husband responded by closing the wooden sliding door and I woke up.

I must admit this is strange and unexpected even for me. Whatever could it mean?! 😄

Dream: Royal Gingers

This may be my weirdest dream yet.

I was upstairs in my grandma’s old house (a common location for my dreams), and a young prince Andrew was living there with his four ginger royal children.

He was bathing one of them, and I walked in and remarked “what a good daddy” he was, doing the bathing.

The other children were in the nursery with a nanny and I asked if any of the other children were going to have a bath. The nanny shrugged and nobody else responded.

I went back out into the hall and noticed that all the doors had books opened on top of them. They were religious books so I guessed they were my mum’s.

I went back into the bathroom but it had turned into a bedroom with two single beds, which prince Andrew had made up himself and got the young prince into his pyjamas.

He said one of the beds was for me and he had put two hot water bottles in for me!

The young prince didn’t really want to go to bed and so he messed about for a few minutes and we were talking, and Prince Andrew mentioned that their birth mother was a surrogate named Lee-Anne.

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I have no idea what to make of that!

P.s. I don’t think I knew who Prince Andrew was, I’m sure it wasn’t specificlly him, it was just a random prince name.

Another Collection of Weird Dreams

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I had a dream where I was getting ready to make a speech to my (imaginary) company about going global and in the dream I was wearing an amazing skirt suit in rainbow pastel colours.

I’m sure there was more to it but that’s the bit I remember.

P. S. I think my ex-husband was there and I was discussing something with him before I went in to speak.

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I dreamt I was in a weird little church, where I opened a big box of merchandise. I took out a white pair of shoes which I put on and some little charms which I put in my bible.

The church leader tried to kiss me, and I got away from him. I told him I would pay for the merchandise later. Then I went out, looking for my husband and his car.

I walked all round town but couldn’t find him. While I was walking round, I kept on taking chewing gum out of my mouth, it seemed never ending.

I was carrying bags and bags full of stuff around with me.

Some people from the church offered me lifts but I didn’t trust any of them.

I got to one end of town and turned around and came back then other way until I sat down at a cafe.

Any clues?

Oh, a p.s. I just remembered – I had a mobile phone I was trying to call my husband but it was new and I couldn’t make it work. It wanted me to set up the background colours but wouldn’t let me call. Every time I tried something, it got more complicated.

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I dreamed that one of my shopping bags got away from me, it floated away and turned into balloons and ribbons!

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I dreamt we moved into a house like the one I grew up in, and I discovered a whole new extension on the side of the house. (This is quite a recurrent theme). Then I realised the back lawn needed mowing but there was only a manual mower.

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Some more from last night: being chased by bears and pigs through a shopping centre

And then

Falling down the stairs into a room filled with water, only escaping drowning by opening a window. There was a child with me in the water filled room. My mother was upstairs and didn’t believe a word of it.

Halfway through, my perspective changed from viewing myself sliding down the stairs into the water (at which point I thought, this isn’t real, it’s a film) to being the person in the water, and it then feeling very real.

Dreams: Scary Things and Questioning Identity

Just a very quick dreams post, I just want to get them written down.

Two nights ago I was anxious about going to a new and different meeting the next morning, where I didn’t know what to expect, so I’m sure the dream was driven by anxiety.

The only part I remember is getting into the back of a car driven by an old friend (with whom in real life I had previously been estranged but had renewed the friendship – at least as being connected on facebook is concerned – without any genuine discussion or reconciliation. I havent thought about that relationship for months so he certainly wasn’t in my conscious mind, but I presume that my dream brain picked him out for that reason.).

He drove along and parked up on the edge of a cliff, but the car did not stop and we rolled off the edge into the sea (which woke me up!).

Last night, after the meeting (which was a kind of introduction to interfaith spirituality) I had another odd dream where we kept changing houses, and in the dream I could not remember which one was our current home.

At one point we were changing the wallpaper in the living room of my childhood home, which I would have sworn I did with my husband but in fact it must have been my dad in the mid 70s.

I told my friend, with whom we were staying, about last night’s dream and she told me that, if you dream about houses, the house represents yourself and she suggested that the meaning of the second dream was that I am questioning my (religious) identity.

Dream: Pink Beetle

I dreamt that I was watching a video in my room (I’m not sure where, it reminded me of the room we once had at my mother-in-law’s before we had children. Apparently the video was about fertility, and how to maximise your chances of pregnancy, so you can guess what’s weighing on my mind)

Then I noticed there was a fairly big beetle scurrying towards me on my floor, which looked black on its underside but then it flipped over and was like a ladybird (I know it doesn’t make sense that it was scurrying along on its back, it was a dream!), in fact I thought for a moment that it was a ladybird but instead of red it was pink with black dots, and it increased in size until it was the size of a side plate or a 45 rpm single record!

I ran in to the living room to tell my Dad, and he asked me if, by the way, I would like to take over his bureau (an old fashioned wooden desk with a pull-down leaf). I said I would love to, and he followed me in to my room to look at the beetle, but it had disappeared in amongst my papers and I couldn’t find it.

At the end of the dream, I was sorting out my papers into my Dad’s bureau. The pink beetle never turned up again, but the television suddenly started playing and I was embarrassed that my parents had a look at what I was watching.

Notes: I did once own a baby pink Beetle Volkswagen car, which I never drove for various reasons. But I gave it away because I was told it couldn’t be fixed, and the people that came for it actually fixed it on the drive and drove it away, so I was always very sad about giving it away. Does the pink beetle represent my car that I lost? Does the car that I lost represent my lost babies?

I often dream about my Dad, and I usually wake up sad, realising that he is gone. I feel like there is a lot of unfinished business there. I’m still angry with him for dying on purpose, and I miss him terribly.

I am embarrassed, because I am 47 now, 48 later this year, and yet I still desperately long for a baby. Why? I feel so stupid. Everyone I know my age was happy with the size of their family as far as I know, and accepted that that was that. Why can’t I? I have 3 teenagers and a 23 year old who is still not independent due to Aspergers. My middle child has Type 1 Diabetes. All of this seems like pretty good reasons not to have any more children even if it were possible. My brain knows that. Why can’t my heart get it? 😦

The other question is, why am I suddenly having so many weird and upsetting dreams? Well, I have had a pretty bad to the year health-wise, probably all related to food allergies and intolerances, I’m probably not being as careful as I could be, which could be a form of self-sabotage (although in my defence, it mostly hasn’t been my fault – our finances got so bad that we had to rely on food bank handouts, and honestly although I am super grateful for the kindness of strangers, all the tinned food made me super ill.)

Dream: Expansion

I dreamt that I was in somebody’s kitchen at a party. I didn’t recognise anybody there, but then a friend of mine arrived.

I was surprised to realise that, in the dream, my friend (who in real life is around a decade older than me and post-menopausal) was heavily pregnant. She was wearing a deep wine coloured woolen winter coat which she kept on, because the back door was open (it wasn’t winter though), and then proceeded to smoke a cigarette. Nobody else seemed to notice, and I didn’t want to upset her, so I didn’t say anything about it to her, but I was pleased for her about the pregnancy so I gave her a big hug.

There was a lady sitting at the kitchen table making a salad in a bowl, and she looked up at me and told me “The reason for your food allergies is food additives.” I was quite cross with her for saying that, because I thought it must be nonsense. There were other ladies in the kitchen, but since I did not recognise anybody, I decided to step outside into the garden.

I was surprised to realise that the garden was familiar to me – it was somehow the garden of the house that I lived in as a teenager (although I did not recognise the kitchen in the house). But the garden had additional rooms all along the left hand side, that were full of people (men, women and children, none of whom I recognised) sitting at tables, laughing and talking and eating.

I have a feeling that there was more to the dream, but it has disappeared from my memory now.

What does it all mean? Most of my dreams feature different houses and homes I have previously lived in or known, many include babies and pregnancy. Perhaps it’s just all my worries mixed up together?

Dream Fury

I’m not really here, I’m really writing NaNoWriMo, but for some reason, my dreams at night are running rampant, so I thought I’d share them!

lady-in-black-cloak

I woke up so furious from a dream, I felt as though my blood were boiling. For some reason I was back in [that other place], and offering to do an arts and crafts workshop on pens! I packed all my various sets of pens and laid them out to show a certain person who once ran the children’s group despite her own child having grown up years ago (who shall remain nameless), and she vetoed the whole thing, and said it wasn’t ‘viable’. So I packed my pens angrily away into my holdall, saying “don’t worry, I was just thinking of doing it in somebody’s home, I’ll organise it myself.” But she started saying something along the lines of that being quite impossible (as though she controlled what went on in other people’s homes!) I packed even more angrily, and she accused me of stealing some cardboard or wooden crap of her own, which I hadn’t done, I just moved it out of my way, which I told her and said it was ridiculous, why on earth would I want to steal her rubbish? So then I stormed out (storm in a teacup, remember? Bitches!) and I stormed through the market, bumping into everybody. Everybody seemed to be wearing black, and I think I was wearing a big black cloak with a hood. I wonder what on earth prompted that, after so many years.

A second dream, I was somewhere up north, I don’t know what I was doing but have a feeling I was in a hospital for some reason. Husband was supposed to be coming to meet me but he kept sending messages saying he was delayed, so I decided to drive myself. Another girl persuaded me to take her with me, and she was supposed to be going to Nottingham, but she didn’t want to go home, so we decided to just abscond together, no idea where we were going. Strange, eh?

And there was another (I think these dreams are actually in reverse order). This one may well have been set in a hospital, it was definitely some kind of institutional building, and as usual, I was on the run, rushing through the building trying to escape and eventually I hid in somebody’s bed, but we were discovered, and we rolled off the bed on to the floor and both started running again.

That last one seems to be my typical dream format. I’m always on the run or being pursued, I have no idea why.

Perhaps I’m just crazy enough to be a writer?

If Wishes Were Horses…

wishes horses ds9

Summary
“Station residents suddenly find their imaginations are manifested in physical form; a spatial rift threatens to destroy the Bajoran system.”

Comments
I’m really quite ashamed that this post has taken me, what, 4 months to publish?! I don’t know why, but every time I looked at it, I felt stumped, and I procrastinated (along with the million other tasks I needed to do and put off until the last moment).

This is a really crazy and random episode where some undetermined and unnamed aliens conduct an experiment on the station’s crew and residents by allowing their imagination to run riot and we learn something about each character’s wishes, hopes and fears. Sisko conjures up one of his baseball heroes, Quark imagines beautiful girls that desire him, Julian creates an alternate Jadzia who is submissive and fawns all over him, (the real Jadzia is less than impressed) Jadzia herself worries that there might be a spatial rift causing the bizarre manifestations, and that worry turns into an anomaly that really does appear to threaten the station. The Chief calls a Rumplestiltskin into being who threatens to take his daughter away. Odo can’t imagine anything, but somebody thought of it snowing on the promenade, and lo – it snows. It’s just one of those random individual episodes that is never followed up, but put in there presumably for the purpose of character development.

Real Life
Yes, this is where the problem is, I think – how to apply this whole weird episode to real life, what to make of the metaphors. My brain has just been drawing a complete blank. Perhaps due to the fact that the characters conjured up by the DS9 crew don’t make any sense to me – they’re not the things or people I think I would call into being from my imagination. (Although I did like the snow on the Promenade).

The ability to determine reality from fantasy is, I suppose, crucial to living a mentally stable life – fantasy certainly has its place, but we can’t let it take over because physical reality will suffer.

Without going into embarassing details, most of my fantasies are not the kind of things I would even want to stray into the realm of reality. But there is a spectrum that runs between fantasy, dreams, wishes and plans that we would like to bring to fruition in the real world.

What happens if we spend all our time and energy thinking and fantasising about the kind of things that really ought to stay at the fantasy end of the spectrum – does all that ’emotional energy’ (think ‘Cheeseman’s law’)* actually have any power to bring about manifestations of our desires, as proponents of the ‘Law of Attraction’/ ‘The Secret’ would argue? I don’t think I have seen any evidence of it in my life. But perhaps I’m not looking hard enough? Do good things happen because we ‘love’ them into being, bad things because we fear them?

Answers on a postcard please.

Station Plans

I’m actually about to move offices on the station in the next week or two, so expect my time will be occupied by packing and sorting and organising for a bit. But I haven’t forgotten this blog and do have plans to come back and do some more posting very soon. Watch this space, as they say.

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* Cheeseman’s, for those unfamiliar with it, is the postulation put forward by the temporal scientist of the same name, that emotional energy has the power to alter events in time that would otherwise seem to be fixed and unchangeable. (From one of my absolute all-time favourite films, starring Vincent D’Onofrio and Marisa Tomei – ‘Happy Accidents’. If you haven’t seen it already, go out and find it on DVD or Netflix or something. Romance, time travel, comedy, what more could you ask?)