Tag Archive | law of attraction

October Anniversaries

I’m feeling a bit out of sorts today. October is always a bit of a downer. Not only is it Baby Loss Awareness Month, but it is also the anniversary of my own personal loss – of my twins. Thankfully, the weather has not caught up with the seasons, so the bright sun and blue skies takes the edge off. It has been 8 years, so although the grief still comes in waves, they crash a little less often, and a little less powerfully. I’ve been waiting for the event to come up in my Facebook memories, but I may have hidden it. What is harder to hide, of course, is the anniversaries of my friends’ babies’ birthdays, reminding me that my twins ought to be coming up for 8 years old. It’s not just the baby you lose, it’s all their future lives you imagined and hoped for.

I also received a reminder yesterday, telling me that this is my 8th anniversary of opening my WordPress account. I think that my original blog is now my very neglected Study Notes blog. I seem to remember that I was originally using it as a homeschool diary, but I shuffled the blogs around and the Homeschool diary is now at Ohana Home Educational.

I wonder if it was a coincidence that I started a blog around the same time as my miscarriage? I don’t remember ever writing about it at the time. Instead, I wrote on Facebook until I was told I was “over-sharing”, at which point I took to Twitter and created what I perceived to be safer spaces there to rant and cry and let it all out. It helped. I remember the most helpful book I read at the time talked about letting grief out creatively. Perhaps writing was not what the book had in mind, but it was my default outlet, and I would recommend it.

Today though, I don’t feel like doing much. I’m only really writing now because I want to get myself into the swing and habit of writing every day, for NaNoWriMo next month. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s worth reading. Most of my writing is mainly for my benefit – if anybody else enjoys it, or benefits from it in some way, that’s a bonus of course. But if you hate it, or just find it boring, it doesn’t matter. Just getting the practice in, and my feelings out, means it has served its purpose.

I’m also getting into the habit of writing Morning Pages in the form of a “Dream Day Journal” – that is, I write every morning about my ideal dream day. It’s supposed to be some kind of powerful manifesting tool by Law of Attraction folks. I’m not sure I believe it, but again, it doesn’t matter. It’s just practice, and it’s quite fun so far.

It can be dangerous to write thoughts and feelings on paper, so I do find that I censor myself. Most of my worst ranty, angry feelings are directed privately to my rant buddy. She’s good to have on my side.

Where do you vent your feelings? Does writing help, or some other kind of creativity?

Have there ever been times where social media didn’t feel a safe place to share?

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Dreams of the Good Life

The_Good_Life_(logo_for_1975_TV_show)

I had a really good run of about 8-10 weeks of feeling much better physically at the beginning of this year. I can’t explain it – there seems to be no obvious correlation between my physical health and my state of mind, and no clear connection with my dietary habits or lifestyle. I wasn’t eating anything different than I was in the Autumn and up to Christmas when I was really ill (actually, I think it has been worse this year, as we haven’t been able to afford a good diet recently); and yet, I had a very welcome reprieve.

But now I have begun to notice the clear signs of relapse, and I don’t know what has caused that either. It is a challenge to slow down and take it easy (which is essentially the only thing you can do in response to an impending ME relapse) when you are already generally so inactive.

I have noticed my dreams becoming much more vivid and intense again – while I was feeling better, I didn’t seem to dream at all. (If I recall any worth mentioning, I will share).

I really desperately want to turn my life around, get well, get fit, get slim and healthy, reach my potential, start working again. I have lost more than a decade to ME, and I don’t want to lose any more. I really do not want this.

I can’t help thinking about positive thinking and the ‘law of attraction’ again. You’ll know that it irritates me no end, and I have written about it a couple of times. And yet, and yet. I keep coming back to the whole idea.

Am I attracting bad luck? Am I somehow causing my ill health? Am I mis-using the ‘power of words’ and bringing negativity into my life? And by the same token, is it possible to change things around? Stem the tide of bad luck? Attract light and life and all good and happy and lovely things instead?

Or is it just a matter of frame of mind?

I find myself dreaming (in the sense of fantasising, not actual sleeping dreams) of a better life – a life where I am healthy and active, and working hard, and able to make a better life for us all round (actually, you probably already know that my fantasy is having a country farm, working on the land, and practising increasing self sufficiency – the ‘Good Life’).

Tom and Barbara in their garden, The Good Life, BBC TV

Tom and Barbara in their garden, The Good Life, BBC TV

One of the ‘positive thinking’ gurus on twitter suggests that the way to invite what you want into your life is to behave as though you already have it.

Well, I can’t physically pretend I’m well, or go digging the land, but I think I can practice the happiness that I imagine I would have if I had that life, choose joy, pretend that I am already there.

Make believe.

Will it make the real thing come a step closer? Will it invite happiness into my life? I have no idea. But it seems considerably preferable to concentrating on how terrible reality is.