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  • Mrs Chakotay 10:40 am on September 26, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , rage, therapy,   

    PTSD 

    It’s a never ending nightmare
    A long dark tunnel
    A permanent panic attack
    Pain in my chest
    Never feeling safe
    Down the rabbit hole
    Into unreality
    I’m reaching out
    Trying to slow my fall
    Wondering what is real
    Hoping I will wake up
    Holding in my rage
    But discovering
    I turned it in on myself

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  • Mrs Chakotay 11:43 am on May 4, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , therapy   

    Therapy 

    This is from a group I’m part of for recovering from Complex PTSD. It’s not my own (and actually I’m waiting on permission so I may need to come back and either delete or add an attribution), but I wanted to share it because I could easily have said the same thing myself. All the calming, positivity therapies don’t seem to have much effect, and I have been doing these things for a long time – far longer than I realised I might actually have mental health issues. Back when I thought I was just a feisty redhead who needed to calm down a bit. So what is the answer? Can things change? Is it just a long road? I wish I knew.

    I have a seasalt lamp.
    I have a lavender pillow.
    I drink milk before bed.
    I try to limit my coffee to one a day.
    I journal.
    I try to go for a walk.
    I volunteer each month.
    I limit my contact with my family.
    I attend my counseling.
    I take my prescriptions.
    I take magnesium.
    I take vitamin B.
    I try to eat meat free every second day.
    I sit by the sea each week.
    I count my blessings.
    I do deep breathing.
    I try to limit sugar.
    I limit my screen time.
    I paint.
    I draw.

    I do all these things to manage my cptsd.

    And at the end of all of that I’m just the same.
    My anxiety roars in my ears.
    My depression wears me like an uncomfortable coat.
    I disassociate.
    I suppress my emotions.
    I comfort eat.
    I cry.
    I don’t sleep.

    It’s a complex recipe, being well and finding the right path to wellness.

    Having cptsd is a complex maze of experiences,
    conditioning,
    inner mind talk and responses.
    And some days I manage.
    Other days I don’t.

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 5:49 pm on March 13, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , endocrine, , , , , , , MyE, , , therapy,   

    They’re Civilians! Civilians with Partical Weapons! 

    Apologies for the rather long hiatus in posting. Life as a full time (mental health) carer has been very taxing indeed, and I have found that my life and ‘free’ time has no longer been my own and, when I have had free time, I have been too exhausted to use it productively.

    There have been lots of things going on, and there are lots of things I could post about but I will have to think about what and how much to share, why I’m writing in the first place and who my audience might be.

    Since the Autumn I have also been battling with the NHS system to get to the bottom of my health issues. I now have an official Consultant-led confirmation of the diagnosis of ME, although disappointingly that doesn’t seem to help much – the general gist of things is that they can’t really do anything very much to help me. But I have seen a neurologist and will be referred back to the Pain Clinic apart from other things.

    Additionally, my GP has been looking for evidence of Cushing’s Disease. It is considered a ‘rare’ disease, but it is on the list of endocrine disorders that should be ruled out before diagnosing either Fibromyalgia or ME as well as Adrenal Fatigue/ Exhaustion. It’s actually in a way rather the opposite of Adrenal Exhaustion since AE is a lack of adrenal hormones (the adrenals are exhausted) whereas Cushing’s is an excess of adrenal hormones – in particular, cortisol, which may be caused either by overuse of steroid medicines or the presence of a pituitary or adrenal tumour.

    After various stages of testing, I have an appointment for a kidney scan (primarily to find out why my blood pressure is so enormously high and resistant to meds), and I’m waiting for the results of a new MRI. My GP said that, even though my cortisol levels appear normal so far, if there is no mass on my kidneys she will order an adrenal scan as there is obviously something not quite right. So no results yet but I feel as though I’m making (slow) progress at last thanks to my lovely GP who is the first to take me seriously and keep on testing until we find the truth.

    That’s all for now. I do plan to come back to blogging. If you’re reading, please let me know. If it’s only for me I may still post as I find it therapeutic. Talking of therapy, my therapy of choice is still Star Trek. Top marks to any Trekkie who is able to identify the episode – I’ll give you a clue, it’s from Star Trek Voyager – from which the title of this post is named. (I used it as I’m in the middle of an upsetting episode in real life, that has me confused and questioning everything I thought I knew, but that is for another day.)

    LLAP

     
  • Mrs Chakotay 10:31 pm on July 1, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , CBT, , therapy   

    CBT Therapy 

    I have realised that my agoraphobia and anxiety is selective.

    When I was having therapy last year, I was repeatedly told that what I was experiencing was a form of social anxiety – in other words, that the root of my panic and anxiety was due to a fear of people, or people’s judgements, or feelings of inadequacy or some such basic inferiority complex.

    Nonsense.

    The therapy I was offered, CBT, (cognitive behavioural therapy) might have been useful had the therapist actually been willing to listen to what I told her. But she wasn’t. She was determined to squeeze me into a neat round box. Presumably she was following a flow chart which didn’t allow for any free thinking, or square pegs.

    What I have noticed is that I have no problem in social situations (though I may find them exhausting), no problem with crowded rooms, shops, restaurants, no problem driving, unless I am particularly stressed. The only thing I struggle with, regardless of stress level, is walking out in the open, and that has nothing to do with social anxiety.

    I have been out a few times – pubs, restaurants, shops, over the last few months with no problems. But on a day-to-day basis I am practically housebound. I hate it. I deeply dislike the house I’m currently living in, but can’t seem to escape it.

    I have good intentions – next week, I will definitely go out, for coffee, to see the sea, something, anything. But it never seems to happen. I’m dependent on circumstances forcing me out – hospital appointments, husband taking me out.

    We’re supposed to be moving again soon and I really hope that will signal an improvement. But house moves aren’t known for their calming effect.

    I really just want to shrug this anxiety off and start living a normal life again. The best therapy might just be immersion – just jump in, or out as the case may be.

    But don’t hold your breath. I might just dip my toe in and sit in the garden.

     
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