Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
I know I have been quiet recently. I would not say I am ‘depressed’ as such, because I think I know by now what ‘normal’ looks like in terms of grief. In fact, there is a wide spectrum of normal. I am grieving.
I saw the writing prompt above, “Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology etc.” and I decided to respond because it occurs to me that my identity issues may at least in part be linked to my difficult relationship with my mother.
I have written on the topic more than once, but I have always felt that writing was therapeutic, so I will risk repeating myself.
My given name is Sharon. It is from the Hebrew, and refers to the place known as the plain of Sharon in Israel. I know that my mother was thinking of the Rose of Sharon when she chose the name, which is one of the titles referring to God (and since my parents were Christian, the term is also applied by extension to Jesus. That connection alone makes the name deely uncomfortable for me.)
In the early 2000s, when I was Messianic, and fueled by fundamentalist thinking, looking for meaning and significance everywhere (more on that later!), I took the name Shoshana, which means lily, because the Lily of The Valley (also another name which refers to God, incidentally), Shoshana haAmakim in Hebrew, grows in the Sharon region.
At the time, I thought that was highly significant. I think I imagined that it was a name God was giving me and that it meant that He was ‘growing a new thing’ in me. Whatever that meant. I swear it seemed to make sense at the time, but now it feels like nonsense and gibberish.
It got worse. My maiden name and my married surname can be translated as ‘Dead Sea’ and ‘Watchman’ or similar respectively, and I was convinced that the religious significance of this was that God was telling me that I was a ‘Watchman’ over Israel. It sounds absolutely bonkers now, but that was the mindset I was dealing with in the fundamentalist world.
More recently, I have adopted the less religious Lily Rose, which is a loose translation of Shoshana and Sharon (the Hebrew for Rose is actually ‘vered’, but I’ve allowed myself some licence there.)
I have considered changing my name officially to Lily Rose, but it gives me pause. Perhaps there is some element of wanting to distance myself from my origins, but I don’t want to cut myself off from my past completely.
Another name popped up in my memories recently: Shari. It was a pet name my mum used to use for me as a child, before she became unwell and before she seemed to have so much difficulty relating to me. I remembered that she had used the name a few years ago. Not very recently, and I can’t be sure when that memory is rom – was it during the short period, when my Dad was still alive, when she seemed to be on just the right meds and seemed briefly well? hat would date it to before 2010. It could have been more recently than that, but I can’t recall a specific time.
It is bittersweet. I have been part of support groups for adult children of a bipolar parent, unloved daughters, adult children of a parent with narcissistic traits. I recognised so many of the stories I heard from other women. But my story was different. My mum wasn’t a ‘narcissist’, although when she was very ill she certainly displayed some narcisisstic traits and behaviours.
I felt unloved, but it wasn’t true. Not completely. I know my mum did love me, when she was well. And I remember her loving well, nurturing, caring, trying her best as any mother can, when I was younger, before she got ill.
But I wonder if that actually makes it harder. Many of the women I met in those groups had settled into a position of hating their mothers, cutting off contact completely, and almost rejoicing when they died. I can’t speak to whether or not those responses were healthy or necessary – I suspect they were the best options in some cases.
But that could never apply to me or to my mum. Because I remember my lovely mum, and even when she was horrible and terrible and aggressive and rude, I knew that lovely mum was in their somewhere, and suffering.
For that reason I hesitate. I am quite comfortable in my identity as Lily Rose, but it doesn’t replace all the names that went before, it’s just another layer. If I could, I would get a Deed Poll to include all of those names, and others I haven’t mentioned here! But I’m told that it might make getting a passport, and other official documentation, a little bit tricky.
City Borg on the Prairie 